This is without a doubt the saddest day of my life…and I’ve had my share of sad days. Earlier today (August 13,2009), I lost my only brother. I don’t have the energy nor the “eloquence” to add much detail. I don’t have a lot of detail to add anyway even if I wanted to. Life pretty much sucks right now. I don’t understand how this could happen. I don’t think I ever will.
I thought about Matt today and was going to call him but didn’t. Boy, do I ever wish now that I had! The last time I talked to him was at least 2 weeks ago and I remember how sad he sounded when we said our goodbyes. Why didn’t I pay more attention? I feel so helpless and keep thinking if I’d called him, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare…PRAYING to wake up. But I don’t.
Why? What purpose did this serve? For some reason I feel guilty and responsible. Maybe if I’d been more loving and supportive toward him, called more often, or told him more often just how much I loved him and would do anything to help him then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Why didn’t he call me? Why didn’t he call anyone? Didn’t he know how much I, like the rest of our family, loved him? Did I give him any pause or reason to believe otherwise? It just doesn’t make any sense and it DEFINITELY does NOT sound like my brother. He’s a fighter, fierce competitor, and didn’t let life keep him down. He overcame many obstacles and continued to tackle hardships and setbacks head on up until the end. He made mistakes just like everyone else and took full responsibility for them and committed himself to fixing those mistakes and not repeating them. He was certainly no quitter. He wouldn’t leave his kids behind like that. He loved them far too much.
There are no words to describe how much I miss him already. I feel like a part of me has died. I’ll never talk to him again or see him at holidays. I’ll never again hear his contagious laugh or see his heartwarming smile or hug him. We won’t share family vacations or reminisce about the crazy things we did and got away with growing up. I just can’t believe he’s gone. He was the prankster of the family…the one who kept us on our toes and kept us laughing. The one you couldn’t help but adore. I’m the oldest. He wasn’t supposed to die first. Not now. Not so young. It makes me angry and sick to my stomach.
I’m trying to keep the faith in the midst of this unbelievable tragedy. I’m still in shock and it still doesn’t seem quite real. It’s like I’m living someone else’s life right now. I want my brother back! Two songs keep coming to mind as I think about him. I don’t remember the names exactly or even the artists. I’ve posted a link to one of them in another of my early posts. I think it’s called “Our Hope Endures”. In the other one, the singer describes feeling abandoned by God, wondering where He is and why there’s no answer. She ends by saying she’ll cling to what she knows, He’s there and she’s never alone…even though she doesn’t feel it. That’s how I feel right now. God is here. He sees my hurt and my pain. He cries along with me. I’m just too numb to feel it. If you know what song I’m referring to, please do me a favor and post a link to it on this site. I’d like to hear it and share it with others.
I’m writing most of this about me and my feelings (after all, this is my blog) but, of course, the entire family is devastated. That goes without saying. Really I want this to be more about Matt. I want to give you a glimpse of just how important he was to me but not only that, how important he was to so many others and what kind of person he was. He had the ability to make you laugh when you felt like crying. He knew no stranger. I envied his ability to walk up to anyone and naturally start up a conversation. He tried to see the best in everyone and everyone was his best friend. He had an honesty about him that you rarely see in people. Certainly there were things he tried to hide even from the ones who loved him most but they weren’t ever the sorts of things you’d expect. He’d share what we might call “major sins” and his desire to turn from them…atleast with me and from what he told me, his church family as well.
If you knew my brother, I’d love to hear how you remember him and stories that come to mind. Please keep our family in your prayers and I’ll try to keep you posted as plans develop. Thank you for taking the time to read this and remember to also take the time to tell those you love just how much they mean to you. Tomorrow may be too late.
I found the title and a link to the second song. The only one I could find with the original artist singing has Twilight images. Please ignore and just listen to the words.