There's more to me than "Mommy"…but not by much!

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One Sad Day August 14, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — stephaniesings @ 5:23 am

This is without a doubt the saddest day of my life…and I’ve had my share of sad days.  Earlier today (August 13,2009), I lost my only brother.  I don’t have the energy nor the “eloquence” to add much detail.  I don’t have a lot of detail to add anyway even if I wanted to.  Life pretty much sucks right now.  I don’t understand how this could happen.  I don’t think I ever will.

I thought about Matt today and was going to call him but didn’t.  Boy, do I ever wish now that I had!  The last time I talked to him was at least 2 weeks ago and I remember how sad he sounded when we said our goodbyes.  Why didn’t I pay more attention?  I feel so helpless and keep thinking if I’d called him, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare…PRAYING to wake up.  But I don’t.

Why?  What purpose did this serve?  For some reason I feel guilty and responsible.  Maybe if I’d been more loving and supportive toward him, called more often, or told him more often just how much I loved him and would do anything to help him then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  Why didn’t he call me?  Why didn’t he call anyone?  Didn’t he know how much I, like the rest of our family, loved him?  Did I give him any pause or reason to believe otherwise?  It just doesn’t make any sense and it DEFINITELY does NOT sound like my brother.  He’s a fighter, fierce competitor, and didn’t let life keep him down.  He overcame many obstacles and continued to tackle hardships and setbacks head on up until the end.  He made mistakes just like everyone else and took full responsibility for them and committed himself to fixing those mistakes and not repeating them.  He was certainly no quitter.  He wouldn’t leave his kids behind like that.  He loved them far too much.

There are no words to describe how much I miss him already.  I feel like a part of me has died.  I’ll never talk to him again or see him at holidays.  I’ll never again hear his contagious laugh or see his heartwarming smile or hug him.  We won’t share family vacations or reminisce about the crazy things we did and got away with growing up.  I just can’t believe he’s gone.  He was the prankster of the family…the one who kept us on our toes and kept us laughing.  The one you couldn’t help but adore.  I’m the oldest.  He wasn’t supposed to die first.  Not now.  Not so young.  It makes me angry and sick to my stomach.

I’m trying to keep the faith in the midst of this unbelievable tragedy.  I’m still in shock and it still doesn’t seem quite real.  It’s like I’m living someone else’s life right now.  I want my brother back!  Two songs keep coming to mind as I think about him.  I don’t remember the names exactly or even the artists.  I’ve posted a link to one of them in another of my early posts.  I think it’s called “Our Hope Endures”.  In the other one, the singer describes feeling abandoned by God, wondering where He is and why there’s no answer.  She ends by saying she’ll cling to what she knows, He’s there and she’s never alone…even though she doesn’t feel it.  That’s how I feel right now.  God is here.  He sees my hurt and my pain.  He cries along with me.  I’m just too numb to feel it.  If you know what song I’m referring to, please do me a favor and post a link to it on this site.  I’d like to hear it and share it with others.

I’m writing most of this about me and my feelings (after all, this is my blog) but, of course, the entire family is devastated.  That goes without saying.  Really I want this to be more about Matt.  I want to give you a glimpse of just how important he was to me but not only that, how important he was to so many others and what kind of person he was.  He had the ability to make you laugh when you felt like crying.  He knew no stranger.  I envied his ability to walk up to anyone and naturally start up a conversation.  He tried to see the best in everyone and everyone was his best friend.  He had an honesty about him that you rarely see in people.  Certainly there were things he tried to hide even from the ones who loved him most but they weren’t ever the sorts of things you’d expect.  He’d share what we might call “major sins” and his desire to turn from them…atleast with me and from what he told me, his church family as well.

If you knew my brother, I’d love to hear how you remember him and stories that come to mind.  Please keep our family in your prayers and I’ll try to keep you posted as plans develop.  Thank you for taking the time to read this and remember to also take the time to tell those you love just how much they mean to you.  Tomorrow may be too late.

I found the title and a link to the second song.  The only one I could find with the original artist singing has Twilight images.  Please ignore and just listen to the words.

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9 Responses to “One Sad Day”

  1. Lee McCain Says:

    Stephanie,

    My heart hurts for you and your family. I can only pray that you will trust in God and lean on him and your church family and friends to get you through this time.

    You and your family will be in our prayers. Lee

  2. Heather Says:

    I am so very sorry Stephanie….. My prayers are with you and your family..that you would continue to know God is indeed with you, understanding your pain and that you would feel His comfort in the days ahead. Thanks also for the reminder not to put things off…..

  3. Emily Sharpe Says:

    Stephanie, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you. I don’t think your brother would want you to feel the burden of blame. Please look for peace. You are a good friend and I’m sure a great sister.
    Emily

  4. Chris & Tracy Beasley Says:

    Steph,

    Matt was one of the friendliest and helpful people we’ve ever known. Our words seem too empty to offer at this time. Just remember that the God of the first part of Psalm 22 is the same God of Psalm 23. Our prayers are with you and your family.

    Love you,
    Chris & Tracy

  5. Sue Conn Says:

    Steph – my heart breaks for you. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if I lost one of my sisters. Keep your head up – remember that even though he’s gone too soon – he blessed your life for these years – and that is a gift. Treasure the memories. Losing someone close to you when they are still young is devastating – so many years to go on without them – 20 years ago, my father died. But time does make it easier and those memories sweeter.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.

  6. Karyn Campagnone Says:

    I am in shock and heartbroken about Matt. I have so many good memories of your little brother. I am praying hard for your whole family. I’m here if you need me.
    Love you,
    Karyn

  7. Kristi S Says:

    Stephanie,
    I am so sorry to hear about your brother. My prayers are with you, your family and his family. May you all feel comforted and strengthened by Our Father. May His peace reign within your hearts. As hard as it may seem now, remember that He is in control and He holds you in His very capable hands.
    As you pointed out, it is so wise to never put things off until another day, for there might not be tomorrow. Always make sure those around you know you love them. I’m certain Matt knew that of you. God bless.

  8. I didn’t know Matt, but I know you and Justin, and I know that our Lord’s love “always protects”, and I know it seemingly didn’t protect Matt, and like you I don’t understand this, but I do understand that love “always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Your pain is beyond words, and I might as well be Charlie Brown’s teacher, but I do know God’s love is the all encompassing power that will make any sense out of this.

    We love you, and we pray for you.


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